On finding meaning in a meaningless world

A confession by Leo Tolstoy

Recently I came to read about Leo Tolstoy’s spiritual crisis in life from his autobiographical memoir — A Confession and other Religious writings.

Shortly after turning fifty, Leo Tolstoy (September 9, 1828–November 10, 1910) succumbed to a profound spiritual crisis. With his greatest works behind him, he found his sense of purpose dwindling as his celebrity and public acclaim billowed, sinking into a state of deep depression and melancholia despite having a large estate, good health for his age, a wife who had born him fourteen children, and the promise of eternal literary fame. On the brink of suicide, he made one last grasp at light amidst the darkness of his existence, turning to the world’s great religious and philosophical traditions for answers to the age-old question regarding the meaning of Life.

He questioned the very essence of life and wrote:

“My question … was the simplest of questions, lying in the soul of every man from the foolish child to the wisest elder: it was a question without an answer to which one cannot live, as I had found by experience. It was: “What will come of what I am doing today or shall do tomorrow? What will come of my whole life?” Differently expressed, the question is: “Why should I live, why wish for anything, or do anything?” It can also be expressed thus: “Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy?”

“Today or tomorrow sickness and death will come (they had come already) to those I love or to me; nothing will remain but stench and worms. Sooner or later my affairs, whatever they may be, will be forgotten, and I shall not exist. Then why go on making any effort? . . . How can man fail to see this? And how go on living? That is what is surprising! One can only live while one is intoxicated with life; as soon as one is sober it is impossible not to see that it is all a mere fraud and a stupid fraud! That is precisely what it is: there is nothing either amusing or witty about it, it is simply cruel and stupid.”

In his arduous desire to find answers Tolstoy turned to science and then to philosophy, but was equally disillusioned by both. Frustrated, he tried to answer his own question and came to the conclusion that life does not have any meaning. He put himself in the category of people who see the truth about the meaninglessness of life, yet still cling to it because they do not have the strength to act rationally and end their life.

However, suddenly, he realised that a part of him was questioning the very validity of his depressive thoughts, presenting “a vague doubt” as to the certainty of his conclusions about the senselessness of life. And he discovered the solution not in science or philosophy or the life of hedonism, but in those living life in its simplest and purest form. He finds the error in all of his prior reasoning, the root of his melancholia about life’s meaninglessness:

“Verifying the line of argument of rational knowledge I found it quite correct. The conclusion that life is nothing was inevitable; but I noticed a mistake. The mistake lay in this, that my reasoning was not in accord with the question I had put. The question was: “Why should I live, that is to say, what real, permanent result will come out of my illusory transitory life — what meaning has my finite existence in this infinite world?” And to reply to that question I had studied life.”

“The solution of all the possible questions of life could evidently not satisfy me, for my question, simple as it at first appeared, included a demand for an explanation of the finite in terms of the infinite, and vice versa.”

“So that besides rational knowledge, which had seemed to me the only knowledge, I was inevitably brought to acknowledge another irrational knowledge that humanity lives with — “faith” which makes it possible to live. Faith still remained to me as irrational as it was before, but I could not but admit that it alone gives mankind a reply to the questions of life, and that consequently it makes life possible.”

Tolstoy noted that, whatever the faith may be, it “gives to the finite existence of man an infinite meaning, a meaning not destroyed by sufferings, deprivations, or death,”. He further wrote:

“Faith is the strength of life. If a man lives, he believes in something. If he did not believe that one must live for something, he would not live. If he does not see and recognize the illusory nature of the finite, he believes in the finite; if he understands the illusory nature of the finite, he must believe in the infinite. Without faith he cannot live…“

“For man to be able to live he must either not see the infinite, or have such an explanation of the meaning of life as will connect the finite with the infinite.”

Connecting the finite with the Infinite

Tolstoy’s memoir poignantly expresses the internal churn that he went through and how he came out of it, not through his rational reasoning and objective knowledge of the world, but rather with irrational knowledge or what he calls faith or God, as that which gives meaning to life.

As one reads through this, one might begin to wonder, why someone as successful, a master of his craft, a writer of eminent fame as Leo Tolstoy would go through depression and question the meaning of life. Wasn’t his literary accomplishments enough to make his life meaningful?

The answer is simple but would be relatable only to those who see the illusory nature of the finite. It also needs repeated assimilation because it is counterintuitive to our mental conditioning, and is this: No amount of external factors, be it great accomplishments, or material success, or work, or people, can give meaning to this life because by nature they are transient and finite. The finite life has to end in death one day, and that is the inevitable truth. Hence the only way to find meaning in this transient existence is to connect the finite (individual existence) with the infinite (God). The infinite is beyond the reasoning faculties of mind and intellect, and that is why faith cannot be rejected. Tolstoy says, “By faith it appears that in order to understand the meaning of life I must renounce my reason, the very thing for which alone a meaning is required…”.

The topic of faith, however, is a slippery ground on account of various religions and their beliefs. In this context the Vedic philosophy provides an eternal perspective which cuts across all religions and yet presents a strong view that shackles many faith systems of an external God. It says, “You are the infinite, who out of ignorance think yourself as finite”. The ignorance has its seed in attachment. And attachment with objects and experiences of the world is what keeps the finite away from the infinite (God).

The sense of attachment with the objects/ experiences over time appears as though are making our lives meaningful. For example, a musician thinks that without music life is meaningless, a writer thinks that writing is what defines him, without it his life is meaningless, a sports person may think the same way for sports. Similarly each one of us get addicted to certain ideals or objects/people and begin to conclude that without them life is empty and not worth living.

However, life is meaningful not because of any external pursuits but because of its own accord, because of who we are — the Infinite Self. It is you who give meaning to everything else around you. The reinforcement of this truth in the rational mind is attained through the path of faith or devotion leading to the infinite, and that is what makes this life truly meaningful.

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